Hick! Bar Jokes Hick!

This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.  Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"  The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."  The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"  The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."   The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"  The guy says "I mount animals."  The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.  "Why of course," comes the reply.  The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"  I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.  The first man responds, "You don't say!  I'm from Ireland too!  Let's have another round to Ireland!"

"Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.

Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!" The men both continue drinking.

Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"

"St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."

A man is at the bar, really drunk.  Some guys decide to be good Samaritans and get him home.  So they pick him up off the floor and drag him out the door.  On the way to the car, he falls down three times.  When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and he falls down four more times.  They ring the bell and one says, "Here's your husband!"  The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"
A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar.  He stood at the end of the bar and lit up a cigar.  As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.  After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian approached him and said, "Now listen buddy, if you don't stop calling me that I'll smash your face in!"
A guy walks in and sits down at a bar.  The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"  The guy says, "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore."  "Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?"  "She hit me with her bag of quarters!"
One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual.  As he walked home he spotted a nun walking down the road.  After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living crap out of her.  Other people spotted this and called the police. As the police were pulling the drunk away in handcuffs, he looked back and said, "Shoot, I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman!"
A man walks into a bar one night.  He goes up to the bartender and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"  The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."  The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."
A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.  "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.  So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.  His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"  "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean? I'm fine."

"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"

"Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.  They each bought a pint of Guinness.  Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.  The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.  The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.  The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, but then held it out over the beer and yelled, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!!"
Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives.  One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life, buddy?"

The other guy answers, "Not too good.  Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half-way through.  It's very frustrating. "

The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean.  I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure.  I hid a starter pistol under the bed.  When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol.  It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough.  I wish I'd done it years ago!"

The other guy says, "Hmmmm, I think I'll try that."

The next day they are back in the bar again.  The first guy says, "How did you get on with the starter pistol?"

The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols!  Last night we were having a little 69.  As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you said."   The first guy says, "So???  What happened?"

The other guy says, "She bit my cock, pooped on my face, and a naked man came out of the closet with his hands up!"

There was this old drunk who staggered into a bar one night.  The bartender, knowing the drunk didn't have any money, refused to serve him.  But the old drunk needed a drink in the worst way, so he says to the bartender, "Look, let's make a bet!  See that spittoon over there?  I'll bet you that I can drink down the whole thing!  If I do, you give me three drinks, and if I can't, I'll never come in here again.  Deal?"  Well, the bartender looks over at the spittoon knowing the thing was full of snot, puke, tobacco wads and every other vile thing known to mankind and agrees.  So the drunk goes over and proceeds to down the contents.  On and on the drunk drinks until half the patrons in the bar are starting to get sick.  Finally, the bartender says, "Okay, okay!  You win!  You can stop drinking!  Come over here and get your drinks!"  But the old drunk continues to drink from the spittoon as if he hadn't even heard.  A couple of minutes later, with most of the patrons now gone, the drunk finishes and stumbles over to the bar to collect his drinks.  The bartender asks, "Buddy, I told you that you already won the bet!  Why didn't you stop drinking that vile filth?"  The old drunk wipes is mouth and replies, "I couldn't stop!  It was all in one strand!"
A guy walks into a bar and yells out, "Who's the strongest in here?"
The toughest guy looks at him and says, "I am the strongest around here!"
The other guy politely asks, "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"
Three mice are at a bar, having drinks, talking about how tough they are.  The first mouse slams down a shot of booze, says, "Let me tell you how tough I am!  I spot a trap and go for the cheese.  When it snaps, I snatch the bar and bench press it 20 or so times and before it can close I'm outta there!" and he tosses down another shot.

The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "You think that's tough?  When I find a pile of d-con, I crush it and snort it like it's cocaine." With that he throws down another shot and slams his shot glass on the bar.

The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he has to say for himself.

He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his glass and heads for the door.  His buddies look at each other, then at him and say, "Hey, where are YOU going?"

The third mouse says, "I haven't got time for this shit, I need to get home to screw the cat."

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference."

The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch.  The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."   The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch.  The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth.  Give me 12-year scotch!"

Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing."  A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest.  He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one."

The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"   The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.  When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.  The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.  One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin.  When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."  The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.  The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way:  He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.  One day, he comes in and orders two pints.  All the other regulars notice and fall silent.  When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.  "Oh, no!" he says, "Everyone's fine.  I've just quit drinking!"

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"   The guy answers, "A scotch, please."   The bartender hands him the drink and says, "That'll be five dollars."  The guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this!"

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there.  In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink.  But don't ever let me catch you in here again!"

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about?  I've never been in this place in my life!"  The bartender replies, "Oh!  I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny!  You must have a double!"

To which the guy replies, "Thank you!  I think I will!  Make it a scotch!" 

Common Bar Translations   
   1. "YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME."
   (We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

   2. "I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU."
   (Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)

   3. "HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?"
   (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

   4. "CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (FEMALE)
   (I'm easy.)

   5. "CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (MALE)
   (I'm gay.)

   6. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO FEMALE)
   (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

   7. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (FEMALE TO MALE)
   (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)

   8. "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (FEMALE)
   (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

   9. I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (MALE)
   (I'm horny.)

  10. "WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?"
  (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

  11. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE)
  (Get the hell out of the way.)

  12. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE)
  (I am going to grope you now.)

  13. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE)
  (Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)

  14. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO FEMALE)
  (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? 
  15. "WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?"
  (What's cheap?)

  16. "CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN?" (MALE)
  (I'm really gay.)     

  17. "CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN?" (FEMALE)
  (I'm really easy.)

  18. "THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR."
  (Did I sleep with him/her?)

  19. CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (FEMALE)
  (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

  20. I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (FEMALE)
  (I'm 19.)

  21. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE)
  (I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after
  my last visit here!)
Two women were at a bar.  One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love."  "Well," said the other woman, "That will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.  "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.  About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.  "What time does the bar open?" he asks.  "Same time as before - noon," replies the clerk.  Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"  The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."  "No! I don't wanna git in, ah wanna git OUT!"  

A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."  So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, "What's the name of your penis?"  The guy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that.  All I want is a drink."  The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."  So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"  The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX."  The guy asks, "Why Timex?"  The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"  A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita, "So, what do you call your penis?"  The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job 1", he then ads, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"  Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis.  He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET.  Now give me my beer."  The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"  The guy replies, "Because it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman!"
Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots.  One for me and one for my best buddy here."
The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"
Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now.  I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." With that he pulls out a little 3 inch man from his pocket.
The bartender says, "Wow!  And you mean to say he can drink that much?"   "Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some," the man retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots.  Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do?  Can he walk?" Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Al, go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to Rodney.  The bartender is totally amazed by this display.  "That's amazing!" he says, "What else can he do?  Does he talk?"
Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk?  Sure he talks!   Hey Al, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.  While he's drinking it, he looks around the bar and sees that it is almost empty, except for a few other people and a barrel with a hole in it.  He asks the bartender what the barrel is for.  The bartender responds, "Well, just go stick your penis in the hole there."  So, the guy goes and does this and comes back to the bartender and says, "Wow! That was great!"  "Yup, and you can do that anytime you want now, except Thursday."  So, the guy asks, "Why not Thursday?"  "That's going to be your day in the barrel."
Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work.  He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife.  Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story.  "Wow, that's awful, what did you do?" the bartender asked.  "Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hightailed it back here!  Shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers!"
Two drunks sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life.  One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way through a fence, with its butt facing the tavern.   The first drunk says, "I wish that sheep were Marilyn Monroe!"  The other says, "I just wish it were dark!"
These two buddies are sitting at the bar in a singles` club and talking about another guy sitting at the other end of the bar. "I don't get it," complained the first guy.   "He's not good looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!"  His buddy replies, "Yeah, I know what you mean.  He's not even a very good conversationalist, all he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows."
The local bar owner was so sure that his bartender was the strongest man around, that he offered a standing $1000 bet.  The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, truck drivers, etc.) but nobody could do it.  One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.  Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.  But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living?  Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The man replied "I work for the IRS."

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink.  The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong.  "I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied.  "Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop doing his wife."  "So stop!" the barkeep said.  "I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The jerk didn't sign his name!"
There's this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.  He stays like that for half-an-hour.  Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.  The poor man starts crying.  The truck driver says, "Come on man!   I was just joking!  Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying!"

"No, it's not that.  This day is the worst of my life.  First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office.  My boss, outraged, fires me.  When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen.  The police, they say they can do nothing.  I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there.  The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener.  I leave home, and come to this bar.  And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison!"

These two strings walk up to a bar.  The first string tries to order but the bartender throws him out, yelling, "I don't serve strings in this bar!"   The other string ruffs himself up and also tries to order a drink.   The bartender shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?  I don't serve strings!  Aren't you a string?"  The second string says, "No, I'm a frayed not!"
This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!"  The grasshopper replies, "Really? You have a drink named Irwin?!"
A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"

The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Wow!   I never saw anybody drink that fast."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender says, "Oh my God!  What is it?  What do you have?"

"I have only fifty cents!"

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink.  Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers.  When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.  He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.  No one answered.  "I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I done back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I done back in Texas!"  Some of the locals shifted restlessly.  He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back!  He saddled up and started to ride out of town.  The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"  The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"
A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard."   She says, "Oh, yeah? My husband will kick your ass."  He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down."  She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good!"   She goes home to her husband and says, "A guy at the bar told me he was gonna make my nipples hard."   The husband gets really pissed off, and starts to walk out the door.  She grabs him by the arm, and says, "He also said he was gonna turn me upside-down, pour beer into my pussy, and then guzzle it all down!"  Her husband turns around and walks back into the house.  She yells, "What are you doing?  Aren't you gonna go kick his ass?"  The husband replies, "I ain't fucking with nobody who can drink that much beer!"
A man walks into the front door of a bar.  He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.  The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?  The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.  A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar.  He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.  The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.  The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.  A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar.  He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.  The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAN!   How many bars do you work at anyhow?"

A bear walks into a bar and sits down.  He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.  The bar tender approaches and say's, "We don't serve beer to bears." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.  The bar tender again tells him, "WE don't serve beer to bears!"  The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bar tender, once again says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman.  He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.  The bar tender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears that are on drugs."  The bear, not understanding this at all replies, "Hey!  I'm not on drugs!"  The bar tender says, "Yes you are, that was a barbitchyouate!"

A guy walked into a bar one day.  He placed a cup on the bar and told the bartender, "I'll bet you 500 dollars that I can pee in this cup and not get a drop anywhere on the bar."  The bartender knew this was impossible, so he agreed to the bet.  The guy stood near the back of the bar and started peeing.  He totally missed the cup, getting pee on everything, all over the bar.  The bartender started laughing hysterically, knowing he just won 500 dollars.   The guy then walked over to a group of men at another table, who handed the guy 1000 dollars.   The bartender was curious about this so he asked, "Why did they just give you 1000 dollars?"   The guy replied, "Well, I bet them 1000 dollars that I could pee all over your bar and you'd laugh about it!!!"

One day, a guy walks into a bar and sees three, hundred dollar bills pinned up on the wall. He asked a guy there how to get them.  The guy replied, "Well, you see those three doors over there?  Behind the first door is a huge biker.  Fight and knock him out, and you get the first hundred.  Behind the second door is a massive Rottweiler with one tooth left.  Knock him out and get his tooth, and you get the second.  Behind the third door, there is a really fat lady, you have to screw her.  You cannot do one door without doing the other two.  You can only get all three hundreds at once."  The guy totally refused to do any of those things.  He drank for a while until he was quite drunk and then decided to try for the money.  He went through the first door and knocked the biker out.  He went through the second door and closed it.  The dog let out a lot of yelping and whining.  The guy came out of the room and said , "Ok, now where's the lady with the tooth?"

A trio of drunks took a booth in a bar, ordered a round of drinks, and started chanting, "Fifty - one days, only Fifty - one days!"  They ordered another round of drinks and began chanting even louder.  Finally they were joined by a fourth drunk who came in with a framed picture under his arm.  He set the picture in the middle of the table and everyone began dancing around it, exchanging high fives, all the while chanting, "Fifty - one days, Fifty - one days, Fifty - one days!"  The bartender couldn't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walked over to the table.  There in the center was a framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.  When the frenzy died down a bit the bartender asked, "What's all the chanting and celebrating about?"  The drunk who brought in the picture said, "Everyone thinks that drunks are dumb and they make fun of us.  So we decided to set the record straight.  The four of us bought that puzzle and put it together.  The side of the box says 2 - 4 years, but we put it together in only 51 days!"

"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the waitress walks in the door.  "It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm Street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he had been thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course! All my training came back to me in a minute."  "What did you do?" asks the bartender.  "I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

This guy walks into a bar and throws a live octopus up in front of the bartender.  "I'll bet you double or nothing on the price of my drink that this octopus can play any musical instrument you've got!"  The bartender figures what the hell and he took the bet.  He goes back to the kitchen area and returns with a clarinet, which he lays up on the bar.  Sure enough, the octopus began playing it with near perfection.  The guy got his free drinks and left.  The next night when the guy went to the bar, the same bet was made and the bartender brought out a trumpet.  Again, the talented octopus played the instrument like a professional.  This went on for about two weeks.  Finally, one night the bartender brings out a set of bagpipes, thinking there was no way the octopus could play them.  The octopus climbed on top of the bagpipes and began wiggling around all over them.  This continued for several minutes and the bartender said, "Ah-ha!  I've got you now!  He don't know how to play them!"  The guy replied, "Now just give him a minute!  As soon as he figures out he can't screw them, he'll start playing!"

One night a guy walks into a bar situated next to an office building.  As he began telling jokes derogatory to supervisors, the bartender holds up his hands and says, "Hey!  Wait a minute. pal!  See those two guys at that table over there?  They are both supervisors.  The three guys down at the end of the bar . . . same thing.  Both supervisors.  Are you sure you want to tell that joke?"   The guy thinks about it for a second and replies loud enough for everyone to hear, "Hell no!  I don't want to have to explain it five times!"

A guy walks into a bar and orders five shots of tequila.  The bartender begins to set the drinks in front of five different stools.  The guy says, "No, no!  They're all for me!  I'm celebrating my first blow job."  The bartender smiles and says, "Ah, hell!  In that case, I'll pour you another one on the house!"  The guy downs the first drink and just waves the bartender off.  Slamming the empty glass on the bar, he says, "No, don't bother.  If five don't get the taste out of my mouth, one more won't do any good!"

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