Cute Jokes
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.' " A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead!"
"Male," she replies.
"Oh yeah, we can do it. I'll be right there," he states.
An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs.
He then gives the woman some instructions. "I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will go to bite the gorilla's testicles. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him."
The woman asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does, shoot the Chihuahua."
"But the Wedding is not until tomorrow, Dad"
"I know, son."
There was a religious lady that had
to do a lot of traveling for her business, so naturally she did a lot of flying.
Flying made her extremely nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her
to read since it helped relax her on the long flights. One
time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave
a little chuckle, smirked and went back to what he was doing. After a
while, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff
in there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about the guy that was swallowed by the whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him,"
replied the lady.
Office Buzz Words and Phrases for the 21st Century
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
CHIPS & SALSA: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton's shameful video Grand Jury testimony is another.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again. (Try not to dent the case.)
YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CLM (Career Limiting Move): Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
DILBERTED: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
404: Someone who's clueless. From the
World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the
requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him ... he's
404, man."
Recent Computer Viruses
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS Saves your data but forgets where it's stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS Deletes all old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS Disks can no longer be inserted.
DISNEY VIRUS Every thing in your computer goes goofy :).
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS Terminates
some files, but it leaves and comes BAAAACK.
A police officer in a small town
stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man said, "I can explain..."
"Just be quiet," snapped the policeman, "or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back!"
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said keep quiet! Now you're going to jail!"
A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, "Luckily for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the
man in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Quickies:
Where do cantaloupes go for the summer? John Cougar's Mellencamp.
Why are soldiers so tired on April 1st? Because they just had a 31 day March.
Why was the guy fired from the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate.
Why do baby ducks walk softly? Because baby ducks can't walk, hardly.
Why does an Indian wear feathers on his head? To keep his wig warm.
Why is the Ringling Brothers circus so mind boggling? Because it's in tents.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle, smirked and went back to what he was doing.
After a while, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about the guy that was swallowed by the whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.
"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.
With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.
Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"
"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday."
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which it was and divided the class into two groups; one group all male, the other all female. They were to decide which gender should be applied to "computer" and give four reasons for their decision.
The results -
The group of women concluded computers should be referred to in them as masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The group of men decided computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory banks for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to
one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
A police officer pulls over this
guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window
and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
Morris shouted across the garage "Hey Debakey, is that you? Come over here a minute" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris, the mechanic, was working.
Morris straightened up, wiped his hands with a rag and asked argumentatively, "So, Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this here work. I also open hearts, remove valves, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I'm finished, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me is doing basically the same work?"
Dr. Debakey leaned over and whispered to Morris, "Try doing it with the engine running"
"How did you answer that last one?" asked Scott. "I thought it was tough at first ..... then I thought of Superintendent."
"I think I got it right too," Pete said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist."
The next one comes up to the gates and says, "Easter is when you eat really big turkey and get yourself all fat. Then watch football and go to bed." Saint peter says, "Nope! You are also wrong!"
The last one goes up and says, "Easter is when Jesus died on the cross and got put in tomb. Big rock get put in front of the hole. The rock rolls away. Jesus comes out. No see shadow. Six more weeks of winter!"
"Heck, Mable," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "We could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't made us eat all that damn oat bran, wheat germ, and all those low-fat foods!"
Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could have one.
His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one they're very strong and expensive."
Grandpa said, "I know -- but I want to try one. How much are they?"
His son said, "They're $10 each."
Grandpa only had a $50 bill but he said he was going to the bank and would leave $10 under his son's pillow that night.
The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said "Dad, I told you it was only $10 -- there's $110 under my pillow!"
Grandpa said, "That's okay, -- the other $100 is from Grandma!"
Did you hear about the blond that...
Thought that "no kidding" meant some form of birth control.
Smelled good only on the right side because she couldn't find the left guard.
Studied 5 days for a urine test.
Was in the Indy 500 and had 7 pit stops, 1 for gas and 6 for directions.
Put 75 holes in her face? She was learning to eat with a fork.
E-Mail me at: CarlMerritt@compuserve.com