Jokes

Page One

Ohio Temperature Conversion Chart

@ +70 degrees
Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear.
People in Ohio go swimming in the Rivers.

@ +60 degrees
South Carolinians try to turn on the heat.
People in Ohio plant gardens.

@ +50 degrees
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Ohio sunbathe.

@ +40 degrees
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Ohio drive with the windows down.

@ +32 degrees
Distilled water freezes.
Lake Erie water gets thicker.

@ +20 degrees
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and woolly hats.
People in Ohio throw on a flannel shirt.

@ +15 degrees
Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Ohio have the last cookout before it gets cold.

@ +10 degrees
People in Miami all die...
Buckeyes lick the flagpole.

@ -20 degrees
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Ohio get out their winter coats.

@ -40 degrees
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Ohio are selling cookies door to door.

@ -60 degrees
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic.
Ohio Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold
enough.

@ -80 degrees
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
People in Ohio rent some videos.

@ -100 degrees
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Buckeyes get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.

@ -297 degrees
Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.
Cows in Ohio complain about farmers with cold hands.

@ -460 degrees
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale).
People in Ohio start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

@ -500 degrees
Hell freezes over.
The BENGALS win the Super Bowl!

Just wanted to give you a "heads up" on some changes that are being made in speed enforcement laws in Ohio.

All drivers need to be aware of this new policy being instituted by the Ohio State Highway Patrol and local law enforcement agencies.

Effective 1/1/03 at 00:01 Hours, anyone stopped for a first time speeding offense will be issued a Bengal's ticket. Those stopped for a second offense will actually be required to use it.

Your Zen Moment

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. Corollary to #12: If you build a man a fire he will stay warm until the fire burns out. If you set a man on fire he will stay warm for the rest of his life.

14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 

15. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

16. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

17. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

18. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

20. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

21. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

22. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

23. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

24. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

25. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

26. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things get worse.

Object Genders

Swiss Army Knife-male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

Kidneys-female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

Tire-male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

Hot Air Balloon-male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it...and, of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges-female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

Web Page-female, because it is always getting hit on.


16 Things I Bet You Did Not Know

1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
7. A 2 x 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.
8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur" a small red car can be seen in the distance.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple or silver.
14. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan". There was never a recorded Wendy before.
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
16. If one places a timy amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

Why Cats Are Better Than Men

1. A cat matures as it grows older.

2. Back hair on cats is cute.

3. It is legal in all states to neuter a cat.

4. Cats comfort you when you are sick.

5. When a cat sleeps all day it's natural, not annoying.

6. Unlike a man, a cat can fend for itself.

7. A cat is loyal.

8. Cats actually think with their heads.

9. "Meow" is never a lie.

10. They'll both stand outside your door and whine, but the cat will stop when it gets in.

11. It's more amusing to watch a cat try and deal with a piece of tape stuck on its paw than to watch a man do anything.

12. To buy a fancy dinner for a cat only costs 35 cents.

13. A cat's best friend is less likely to be annoying.

14. Cats can't show love without meaning it.

15. Cats are always cute.

16. The only thing a cat expects you to "put out" is food, water, and a clean litter box.

Too much Money
Joe asks his wife, Karen, what she wants for their 40th wedding anniversary.

"Would you like a new Mink coat?" he asks.

"Not really," says Karen.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says Joe.

"No," she responds.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."

"Well, what would you like for your anniversary?" Joe asks.

"Joe, I'd like a divorce," answers Karen.

"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says Joe.


Dr. Suess
Read each of the following lines out loud.


This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an old cat
This is idiot cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat


Now, go back and read the THIRD word in each line, starting at the top.

Something to insult just about everybody

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
refrigerator.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day, what do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo machine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do drivers education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row, row, row your boat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh!t."

Weddings
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered
to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the
happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping
it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why
is the groom wearing black?"


Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
* Oops!
* Has anyone seen my watch?
* That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
* Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
* Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
* OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
* Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
* Come back with that! Bad Dog!
* Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
* Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
* If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
* Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
* Damn, there go the lights again...
* Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
* Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
* Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
* I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
* Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
* Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
* What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
* What do you mean, he's not insured?
* This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
* Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
* Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
* What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
* I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
* Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
* That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
* Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
* Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
* Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
* FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Why are Blonde's coffins shaped like a triangle?

Because everytime their heads hits a pillow, their legs open. heehee I love it!

Q: What's the difference between a gynecologist and a genealogist?
A: A genealogist looks up the family tree, and a gynecologist looks up the family bush.

Q: What do Disney World & VIAGRA have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pick pocket snatches watches.

Q: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.

Q: Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or a redhead?
A: The blonde-she's eighteen.

Q: Why don't Baptists make love standing up?
A: Because it might lead to dancing.

Q: What is the difference between women and computers?
A: A women will not take a 3.50 inch floppy.

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q: Why are New Yorkers always depressed?
A: The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.

does this sound familiar to anyone?


Employee Training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T) Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T S.H.I.T).

Since our managers took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic
Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L S.H.I.T) Those who are full of B.U.L.L S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P S.H.I.T)

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T S.H.I.T)

Thank you,


Boss in General
(B.I.G S.H.I.T)

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female
driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on
to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently
angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped
the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS
smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female
does anything to me in traffic and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles
each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the
bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the
7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car
every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That
works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper,
I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number
to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females,
that's 18,000.

In any given group of females 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According
to Cosmopolitan magazine, 70% describe their love life
as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all
females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all
females carry Weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least
one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her
biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide,
has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off?....... I THINK NOT!

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Dear Abby,

I am a sailor in the United States Coast Guard. My parents live in the
suburbs of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensonhurst is
married to a transvestite. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested
for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other
two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers, one
who is currently serving a non parole life sentence in Attica, for the rape
& murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the
Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives
in the Bronx and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel;
however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an
STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into
the possibility of opening our own brothel, with my fiance utilizing her
knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two
sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer
them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the
streets and, hopefully, the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiance
and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be
totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who is a
Cincinnati Bengal fan?
Signed,
Worried about my reputation

Signs He Loves You

A woman writes to a magazine asking how she will know if he truly loves her...
"Well... Here's how I see it. When a man is "taken with you"- you will know. Sometimes the words, "I love you" aren't always enough. As women, we like to see words put into action... Here are some ways that you can tell if he means what he says..."
He pretends to like your cat by no longer drop-kicking Fluffy down a flight of stairs when you're not looking.
When you come over to visit, they start picking up -- they shove underwear under their beds, (theirs and other women's) they move the Playboy centerfold to a less frequented room and they hide dirty dishes in less conspicuous places.
They let you see the remote control. You as a woman will never actually get to use the remote, so consider a distant viewing of it a positive sign.
They rub your feet for 1-2 minutes before requesting a blowjob.
They take one of those Cosmo quiz things without complaining. Although they will resent you for it (please make a note of it)
They turn off the computer in order to spend more time with you. If they actually delete the porn mail- you can expect a proposal within weeks.
They use "we" when they used to use "I" ("We can't go out tonight. We're giving me a blowjob")
They stop making references to their ex-girlfriends ("I am in love with my ex-girlfriend", "I am stalking my ex-girlfriend" and "Gee- my ex-girlfriend sure gave me a great blowjob!"
They don't mind that their parents, pets and children like you better. Their friends will never like you better- they undoubtedly want to sleep with you, but they will never like you...

Two guys are getting ready to go into the woods and as they are walking one of them falls too the ground. the other one call 911 and tells the person that he thinks his friend is dead!!! the person on the other end replies that we need make shure and the guy says ok hold on one min the next thing the person on the other end heres is a gun shot and the guy gets back on the phone and says now what????? 

She was only a...

PLUMBER'S daughter but she sure gave my heart a wrench.

STABLEMAN'S daughter but she handled all the horse manure.

HACKER'S daughter but all her bits were in their proper arrays.

BUTCHER'S daughter but she could REALLY pack Salami!

GYNECOLOGIST'S daughter but she could sure play her vulva!

STOCKBROKER'S daughter but she could really ride the BULLS!

TAXI DRIVER'S daughter but she knew how to keep your meter running

ACCOUNTANT'S daughter but she sure knew how to keep her BOTTOM line profitable.

FARMER'S daughter but she knew her carrots from her carats!

FURRIER'S daughter but she knew how to produce minks!

PROGRAMMER'S daughter but she sure knew her 1's from her 0's!

SHEEP FARMER'S daughter but she sure knew how to fleece her flock!

PREACHER'S daughter but she sure knew how to fleece her flock!

FISHMONGER'S daughter she had crabs on her place, poor soul.

ELECTRICIAN'S daughter but she had all the right connections.

COAL MINER'S daughter but she had a mine of her own.

MARINE COLONEL'S daughter but she was rotten to the corps.

ARTIST'S daughter but she knew where to draw the line.

BUS DRIVER'S daughter but she knew where to get off.

ARCHITECT'S daughter but she knew all the angles.

FISHERMAN'S daughter but when she saw my rod she reeled.

MINISTER'S daughter but I wouldn't put anything pastor.

Fun In The Mall

Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsellable.
Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen...
...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're "astronaut food".
Follow patrons of D. Balton's around while reading aloud from Dianetics.
Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"
Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.
Wear pancake makeup and new clothes, pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
Test mattresses in your pajamas.
Ask the tobacconist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
Sprint up the down escalator.
Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture".
Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.
Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.
Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.
Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I see France..."
Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
Play the tuba for change.
Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play "Jesus Built My Hotrod".
Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will "give you a really wicked buzz".
Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have "any giant crap made out of straw".
"Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing "Saved by the Bell". Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling "scratch one flattop!"
Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".
"Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.
Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real.
If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.
Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say "Domino's."
Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back premed.
Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me! I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ..........." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

A teacher asks her class what jobs does their fathers have.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

Then one little boy says: "My name is Johnny and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Johnny privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays football for the Bengals and I was just too embarrassed to say so."

Schwartzenegger has a big one
Michael J. Fox has a small one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Pope has one but doesn't use his
Clinton uses his all the time
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one
George Burns' was hot
Liberace never used his on women
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his
We never saw Lucy use Desi's


The answer is "Last Names!"

Road Work

A blonde, a brunnette and a redhead all tried out for the same job as road stripers. The boss told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job. At the end of the first day, the redhead had painted 3 miles, the brunette had painted 2.5 miles and the blonde had painted 10 miles. The boss was so excited he told her to keep it up and the job was hers. The next day, the redhead painted 5 miles and the brunette 5.6 miles and the blond 4 miles. He told her not to worry, she still had a good lead. So, on the third day the redhead had painted 6 miles, the brunette 5 miles and the blonde only one mile.

The boss was so disappointed, he asked the blonde, "What went wrong, you were doing so well".

She said, "Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away."

The Blonde’s Diet

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."

Glossary of Blonde Medicine:


Artery...............................Study of paintings
Bacteria.............................Back door of a cafeteria
Barium...............................What doctors do when a patient dies
Bowel................................A letter like A,E,I,O,U
Caesarian Section....................A district in Rome
Cataract.............................Weird pontoon boat
Cat Scan.............................Searching for a Kitty
Cauterize............................Made eye contact with her
Colic................................A sheep dog
Coma.................................A punctuation mark
Congenital...........................Friendly
D & C ...............................Where Washington is
Dilate...............................To live long
Enema................................Not a Friend
Fester...............................Quicker
Fibula...............................Small Lie
Genital..............................Non-Jewish
G.I. Series..........................Soldier Ball Game
Hangnail.............................To Hang Pictures on
Impotent.............................Distinguished; well known
Labor Pain...........................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff........................Doctor's Cane
Morbid...............................Higher Offer
Nitrate..............................Different then Day Rate
Node.................................Was aware of
Outpatient...........................Person who has fainted
Papsmear.............................Fatherhood Test
Pelvis...............................Cousin of Elvis
Postperative.........................letter Carrier
Prostrate............................Flat on your back
Recovery Room........................Place to do upholstery
Rectum...............................Damn near killed him
Secretion............................Hiding something
Seizure..............................Roman Emperor
Tablet...............................Small table
Terminal Illness.....................Getting sick at the Airport.
Tibia................................Country in North Africa
Tumor................................Add a couple more
Urine................................Opposite of "You're Out"
Varicose.............................Near by
Vein.................................Conceited

Top Ten Blonde Inventions:

1) The water-proof towel
2) Solar powered flashlight
3) Submarine screen door
4) A book on how to read
5) Inflatable dart board
6) A dictionary index
7) Ejector seat in a helicopter
8) Powdered water
9) Pedal-powered wheel chair
10)Water-proof tea bag

DATE: September 7, 2002

TO: All Ohio Insurance Agents

FROM: Ohio Department of Insurance

SUBJECT: Automobile Dimmer Switches

Pursuant to the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles Act No. 97-12, all motor vehicles sold in the State of Ohio after February 15, 1992, will be required to have the headlight dimmer switch mounted to the floorboard. The dimmer switch must be mounted in a position accessible to operation by pressing the switch by the left foot. The switch must be far enough removed from the left foot pedals to avoid inadvertent operation or pedal confusion.

Included in the above act and beginning January 1, 2003, all other vehicles with steering column mounted dimmer switches must be retrofitted with a floorboard mounted dimmer switch of the type described above. The steering column mounted dimmer switch must be disabled or removed from the vehicle.

Vehicles which have not made this change will fail the forthcoming Ohio Safety Inspection program which will begin on this date.

It is recognized that this will cause some hardship for the driving public. However, this change is being made in the interest of public safety. Ohio DMV Act 92-13 will revert all Ohio motor vehicles to the prevalent dimmer system in use prior to the influx of foreign market vehicles. A recent study entitled the "Inflation Sequence in Ohio Nightime Highway Traffic Accidents" was conducted jointly by the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles and the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicle Research. It has shown that 96% of all Ohio nightime highway accidents are caused by a blonde getting her foot caught in the steering wheel........

Signs You're Broke

You know you're really broke when...

American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.
You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
Your bologna has no first name.
You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.
Sally Struther's sends you food.
McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
At communion you go back for seconds.
You wash your toilet paper.
You have to save up to be poor.
You're in college.
On thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a thanksgiving meal.
You owe yourself money.
You are sterilizing your urine for reconsumption.
Your imaginary friend has more money than you.

Proverbs


1) Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
2) Man who run in front of car, get tired.
3) Man who run behind car, get exhusted.
4) Man with hand in pocket, feel cocky all day.
5) Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
6) Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways, going to Bangkok.
7) Man with one chopstick, go hungry.
8) Man who scratch butt, should not bite fingernails.
9) Man who eat many prunes, get good run for money.
10) Baseball wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
11) Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
12) War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
13) Wife who put husband in doghouse, soon find him in cat house.
14) Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
15) It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
16) Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
17) Man who stand on toilet, high on pot.
18) Man who live in glass house, should change in basement.
19) Man who fish in other man's well, often get crabs.
20) Man who fart in church, sit in own pew.

Q.. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One-he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
OR Three-one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toliet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. What is the difference between men and women...
A. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q. How does a man keep his youth?
A. By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that is bedroom is packed with sweet cuddly teddybears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized bears one a shelf a little higher. And huge cuddly bears on the top shelf.
The woman is suprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is actually quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him...they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The man says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

Have you ever asked what men are really thinking when they say the things they do? Well now is your opportunity to answer that very question...

"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
Really means...
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
Really means...
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means...
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means...
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling

"Good idea."
Really means...
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
Really means...
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means...
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means...
"I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...
"The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
Really means...
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
Really means...
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means...
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means...
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...
"Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...
"I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means...
"You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
Really means...
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
Really means...
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."
Really means...
"I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means...
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."
Really means...
"Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means...
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means...
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means...
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means...
"What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means...
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...
"She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means...
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means...
"You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means...
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, with pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
Really means...
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means...
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means...
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means...
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet
paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...
"No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means...
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...
"I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
Really means...
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means...
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means...
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer."
Really means...
"It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I broke up with her."
Really means...
"She dumped me."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means...
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?

LOVE when your eyes meet across a crowded room
LUST when your tongues meet across a crowded room
MARRIAGE when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care

LOVE when intercourse is called making love
LUST all other times
MARRIAGE what's intercourse?

LOVE when you argue over how many children to have
LUST When you argue over who gets the wet spot
MARRIAGE when you argue over money

LOVE when you share everything you own
LUST when you think twice about giving your partner bus money
MARRIAGE when the bank owns everything

LOVE when it doesn't matter if you don't climax
LUST when the relationship is over if you don't climax
MARRIAGE what's a climax?

LOVE when you phone each other just to say "Hi"
LUST when you phone each other just to organize sex
MARRIAGE when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts

LOVE when you write poems about your partner
LUST when all you write is your phone number
MARRIAGE when all you write are check's

LOVE when you show concern for your partners' feelings
LUST when you couldn't give a rip
MARRIAGE when your only concern is what's on TV

LOVE when your farewell is "I love you darling"
LUST when your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
MARRIAGE when your farewell is silent

LOVE when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner
LUST when you only ever see each other in the bedroom
MARRIAGE when you never see each other awake

LOVE when your heart flutters every time you see them
LUST when your groin twitches every time you see them
MARRIAGE when your wallet empties every time you see them

LOVE when nobody else matters
LUST when nobody else knows
MARRIAGE when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows

LOVE when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel
LUST when it's just the same mushy old crap
MARRIAGE when you never listen to music

LOVE when breaking up is something you try not to think about
LUST when staying together is something you try not to think about
MARRIAGE when just getting through today is your only thought

LOVE when you're interested in everything your partner does
LUST when you're only interested in one thing
MARRIAGE when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score

Things you would never know if it weren't for the movies...

Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.

One of a pair of identical twins is evil.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.

Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.

It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.

If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man, Timekeeper, speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

Men are Like...

...placemats
they only show up when there's food on the table.

...mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

...bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

...government bonds
they take so long to mature.

...copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.

...lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.

...bank accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

...high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

...curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair.

...mini skirts
if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

...handguns
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.

100 Zany Ways to Phone in a Pizza Order

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Stutter on the letter "p."

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every three seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

28. Rent a pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

36. Imitate the order taker's voice.

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

39. Play a sitar in the background.

40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

62. Try to talk while drinking something.

63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

66. Be vague in your order.

67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

79. Put them on hold.

80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

85. Haggle.

86. Order a one-inch pizza.

87. Order term life insurance.

88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

92. Engage in some serious swapping.

93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

97. Order a steamed pizza.

98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

Blond Detectives


A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "For God's sake, What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!!

Is that the best answer you can come up with?!?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "Now think hard before giving me a stupid answer. This is your suspect, how would you recognize him??"

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses..."

The policeman is surprised and speechless... "Wow! I can't believe it ... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation??"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear..."

It's great to be a guy because:

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Foreplay is optional.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's ••• if someone notices your new haircut.

The world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

Same work... more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 'Nuff said...

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet.

Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"

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A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"

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A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!

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A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

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A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

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Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."


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There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"


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A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"


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There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.


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There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"


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A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field. She drove over to her and said, "It's idiots like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your •••!"


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Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The Brunette says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom." The red head replies,"If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top." The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and and says, "Then I'm gonna have puppies !"


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A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."

The cashier leaned over the counter and said:

"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"


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A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"


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Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."


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A blonde, brunette and redhead woman decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and a drink she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I'm pretty sure those other two girls used their arms.


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A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....

Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"

Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".


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Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.


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There were these three women who escaped from prison. A blonde and two brunets. So to get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three burlap sacks sitting around. So they hid in them. When the cops came to the farm house the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells, "There's just three burlap sacks in here!" To which his partner replies, "Then kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding". The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunet in it and she yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said "Oh, its just a stupid cat in there." So he kicks the one with the other brunet in it and she yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!", so the officer says, "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!" Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, "POTATOES!"

Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up

Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
A. Because they have blond boyfriends

Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"

Q. What is a brunette between two blondes?
A. An interpreter.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
A. She sold her car for it...

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.

Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.

Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.

Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.

Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.

Q. How do you drown a blonde?
A. Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.

Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?
A. Oh no, I'm going to fall again!

Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q. How does a blonde part her hair?
A. By doing the splits.

Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing, they haven't met!

Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.

Q: Did you hear about the conceited blonde?
A: She screams her own name when she comes.

A Blonde, the Beach, and...Beer?

Why doesn't the blonde want to drink beer on the beach?
Because she doesn't want to get sand in her Busch

Q: why do blondes wear earmuffs?
A: to avoid the draft.

Q: why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
A: they have to pull their own pants down.

Q: why do blondes wear panties?
A: to keep their ankles warm.

Q: what do blondes do for foreplay?
A: remove their underwear.

Q: what do blonde virgins eat?
A: baby food.

Q: what's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

Q: what's the difference between a blonde and a walrus?
A: one has whiskers and fishy flaps, and the other is a walrus.

Q: what's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: when you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.

Q: what is foreplay for a blonde?
A: thirty minutes of begging.

The blonde wife came home from her first day commuting into
the city. Her husband noticed she was looking a little peaked
and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"

"Not really," she replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward
on the train."

"Poor dear," he said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting
across from you to switch seats for a while?"

"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."

A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body
with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my
arm hurts, my back hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks,
"Were you ever a blonde?" "Yes, I was." she replies. "Why do you ask?"
The doctor answers, "Because your finger is broken!"
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A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry.She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she
is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeep told him if he was looking for a good time, there was some one in the back room who could help him, the koala decides why not and goes into the back room. There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has ever had. After the prostitute turns to the koala and says, "How about my money," the koala looked confused and the prostitute brought out a dictionary and it said...PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.

So in response the koala turn to the definition for the koala and it says. KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,

"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

pick-up lines.....

The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

Baby I'm like milk, I'll do your body good.

Hey baby lets play army I'll lay down you can blow me up.

I want to kiss you passionately on the lips, and then move up to your belly-button.

I've got the F, the C, and the K. All I need is U.

I'd look good on you.

I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed rock.

Ten Things Men Understand About Women:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10. The main purpose of their existence is to make life miserable for men.

thought for the day.....
every time i close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
another thought for the day.....
i try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

"I can't find a cause for your illness," Dr. Timekeeper said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," replied Charger, "I'll come back when you're sober."

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet God and asks God if he can ask him a few questions. "Sure," God says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

God says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would LOVE them", God replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

God says, "So they would love you!"

One Liners
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
If You Drink, Don't Park. Accidents Cause People.
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
If Sex Is A Pain In The butt, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
Boldly Going Nowhere
Cat: The Other White Meat
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
and my 2 personal favorites.....
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic by the name of Charger about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future, Charger finds the answer. "You will die on an American holiday."

"Which one?" Osama bin Laden asks nervously.

"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday."

Wolvie walks into a bar one night after work and arrogantly yells out, "Who's the strongest man in here?"

Thinking there's going to be a fight, the toughest guy in the bar walks up to him and says, "I am the strongest around here!"

Wolvie politely says, "Good. Can you help me push my SUV to the gas station?"

Biggin dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:

Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Biggin: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Biggin: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, wine coolers....we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.
Biggin: Gee, that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Biggin: You better believe it.
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay....you're already dead.
Biggin: Golly!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Biggin: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races you name it.
Biggin: Gosh that sounds terrific!
Demon: You like to do drugs?
Biggin: Yes, I love to do drugs! You don't mean....
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay...you're already dead.
Biggin: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!
Demon: You gay?
Biggin: Uh........no.
Demon: Oh, oh. You're gonna HATE Fridays....

WaveGurl and Mystery Girl were sitting in the MWG one night when Mystery Girl said, "My boyfriend used to have dandruff but then I gave him Head and Shoulders."

WaveGurl asked, "How do you give a man shoulders?"

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new wh0res." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Timekeeper, came home from a hard day's work at GM.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Timekeeper!"

Questions Dogs Ask God


Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on ramps?

Dear God, If we come back as humans, is that good, or bad?

Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the Poodle across the street!

Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God, Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpet thing, again?

Dear God, May I have my testicles back?

News Flash!! BOBBIT'S SISTER GOES FOR IT!!!

Lorena Bobbit's sister was arrested, yesterday, for trying to do the same thing to her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.

The sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper leg causing severe muscle and tendon damage.

She has been charged with a 'misdeweiner'.

Finding one of his students making faces at others on the playground, Mr. NightHog stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling, the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces, my face would stay that way for the rest of my life."

The student looked up at Mr. NightHog, surveyed his face and replied, "Well, you can't say you weren't warned."

Know why women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those evolutionary things that allows them to stand closer to the sink.

How do you fix a womans watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Know whats worse than a chauvenist pig?

A woman that won't do as she's told

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "God, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"God , I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"God, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But... he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch?"

"Well... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that? God?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret. You know, woman to woman."

Why do brides wear white?

Men like ttheir dishwaher to match the fridge and range.

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a laundromat a bad place to pick up women?

Because a woman that can't afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Hee hee hee, let the hate mail commence!!!

Why Women Have It Better


We got off the Titanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

We can cry and get out of speeding fines.

We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

Taxis stop for us.

We don't look like a frog in a blender when we dance.

Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies.

We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

We know the truth about whether size matters.

If we have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, we're not the devil.

Wavegurl always wondered where the sun came from every day until, suddenly, it dawned on her.

Carl: Doctor, you must. help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Carl: I JUST DID, DIDN'T I, YOU STUPID IDIOT???!!!

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom. The other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"

"Impossible!" said the groom broom, "We haven't even swept together!"

You know what they call "Hee Haw" in Kentucky?

"Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous."

According to a new study, 30% of men have no interest in sex.

The other 70% are ALIVE.

--

According to another new study, 30% of women aren't interested in sex.

The other 70% weren't with their mothers when they answered the question.

A factory had a major problem that closed their manufacturing line. A consultant was brought in. The consultant wandered around the factory floor, listening, poking. Finally, he took out a small hammer and tapped gently a few times on one particular piece of machinery. The factory line roared back to life, production once again in progress. The factory managers were ecstatic.
A week later, the factory received the invoice from the consultant. The price was $900 for less than one hour of work. The factory's business people fumed and asked the consultant for an explanation. The consultant offered to submit an itemized invoice. The business people said, "Yes, please do."

A second invoice arrived. It had two line items:

Item 1: "Rectifying Problem with Hammer Hit....$1"

Item 2: "Knowing Where to Hit the Hammer.....$899"

There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so naturally she did a lot of flying. Flying made her extremely nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read since it helped relax her on the long flights. One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle, smirked and went back to what he was doing. After a while, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said, "Well, what about the guy that was swallowed by the whale?"

She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."

He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.