Lawyer Jokes

 

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

Why do they bury lawyers 20 feet in the ground?
Because way deep down they are great people!
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.  The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire.  The insurance company paid for everything." 

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.

A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and stole a cut of meat off his counter.  The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor who was a lawyer.  He called up his neighbor and said, "Your dog stole meat from my store.  I believe you owe me for the meat."  The lawyer said, "You are correct.  How much was the meat?"  The butcher told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that he should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day.  The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill attached for $150.00 for "legal consultation."
A Truck Driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the Road.  He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride.  A ways down the road the Truck Driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road.  He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer.

Then he thought, "Oh no, I have a priest in the truck I can't run down this lawyer!"  At the last second the Truck Driver swerved to miss the lawyer.  But, the truck driver heard a thump outside of the truck, he looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything.

He turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I just missed that Lawyer at the side of the road." And the priest said, "Don't worry son, I got him with my door."

A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, "All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!"

A man at the front of the bar stands up and says "Hey!  I resent that!"

So the first man asks, "Why?  Are you a lawyer?"

"NO!  I'm an asshole!"

DEAR ABBEY - I HAVE A PROBLEM!   I have two brothers and two sisters, one brother is a lawyer, the other was just sentenced to death for murder.

My mother died from insanity when I was young.  My two sisters are prostitutes, my father sells narcotics to feed the family.

Recently I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child and I want very, much to marry her, my problem is this...

If I marry this girl, should I tell her about my brother, the lawyer?  Please advise ...

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.  The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you.  You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life.  Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.  All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.

When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!" he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer.  "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaaad..." replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.

"Where's my Rolex???!!!!"

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.  The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.  The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.  The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.  He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50.00!"   Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.  He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.  Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows.  And then some.  All to no avail.  After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

One day in Contract Law class, a Professor asked one of his better students, "Now, if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was livid.

"No! No! Think like a lawyer!" the Professor instructed.

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."

Attorney to witness: "And where was the location of the accident?"

Witness: "Approximately milepost 499."

Attorney: "And where is milepost 499?"

Witness: "About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500."

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.  He reduces height and spots a man down below.  He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology!" says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must work in business."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help.  You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone, or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK?  What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.  "What do you do?"

The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same.  Let me give you an example.  The other day I meant to say, 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

Court scene:
1st Lawyer: You're a fool
2nd Lawyer: And you're a damn fool.
Judge : As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we now proceed with the case.
Job Applicant: "I'm looking for a job as a consultant."
Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have enough consultants."
Applicant: "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor."
Employer: "More than we can use already."
Applicant: As he is getting desperate he stated, "I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk.  If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor."
Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications."
Applicant: As he stands up to leave, he angrily yells, "Work for you?!  I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!"
Employer: "Well, now...  You didn't say you were an attorney!  Have a seat, we may have an opening!"
A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died." "But you see I'm alive," smiled the friend.
"Impossible," said the psychiatrist. "The man who told me is much more reliable than you."
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks.  Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.  The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road.  The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.  The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.  "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.  "Sure; after the police leave," replied the lawyer.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
New Jersey got to pick first.
A pompous clergyman was seated next to an overbearing attorney on a flight to Wichita.  After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.  The attorney asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.  The minister replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips."

The attorney then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, "I didn't know there was a choice."

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to a choice between Robert and Paul.  Both graduated magna cum laude from law school.  Both come from good families.  Both are equally attractive and well spoken.  It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?"  In seconds, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.  "I don't understand why I was rejected.  When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients.  What in the world did you tell him?"

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.

"Your hands?  What do you mean?"

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"

WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU MIGHT NEED A DIFFERENT LAWYER

* You met him in prison.
* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
* He tells you that he's never told a lie.
* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
* A prison guard is shaving your head.

Q: How are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.  Once launched, they cannot be recalled.  When they land, they screw up everything forever.
There was once a young lawyer, age 29, who was on his way to work when he was hit by a bus.  He goes to Heaven and meets St. Peter and pleads, "I am much to young to die, there must be a mistake!"  St. Peter thinks about this for a moment and goes out the back to consult with God.  Ten minutes later he returns saying, "There's no mistake.  According to the hours you have billed your clients, you are 176 years old."
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Scientists are now using lawyers for experiments because there are just some things that mice won't even do!!!!
Q. What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A. A hooker stops screwing you when you're dead!
A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer.  "I know," he says, "they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows?  Suppose they're mistaken.  I'd like to have something with me, just in case.  So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something." They each agree to carry out his wish.

Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away.  At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin.  After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, "Friends, I have a confession to make.  As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding.  Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one.  So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked."

At this the priest says, "I too have a confession to make.  As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless.  The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn.  So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested."

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says "I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend.  I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars."

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles.  His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment.  He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.  With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see you there."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "It was MY fault.  I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming.  By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "Since I'm blind, I've never seen myself.  Perhaps you could examine me and then we'll both know?"  So the snake felt the bunny all over and said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly; you have long silky ears, a fluffy little tail and a twitchy little nose . . . you must be a BUNNY RABBIT!"  The little blind bunny was so pleased at this that he danced with joy.  The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough.  What kind of animal are you, sir?"
The snake said he didn't know, for the same reason.  The bunny agreed to examine him, and when he finished the snake asked, "So, what kind of animal am I?"
The bunny said, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls -- you must be a lawyer."
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired.  They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse.  When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals.  The three quickly agreed.

The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds.  Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door.  The Rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there.  It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"

The Hindu said he would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs.  However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, "There's a COW in the barn!  I can't sleep in the same room as a cow!  It's against my religion!"

The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.
In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch, or read the paper?
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit when he knew they were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.
...And the list goes on for quite awhile.

The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case.  He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."  St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Yes, I see.  Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"  The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."  St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell!"

A Russian, a Cuban, an American, and a Lawyer are on a train.  The Russian takes a bottle of Vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says, "In USSR, we have the best vodka in the world, nowhere in the world can you find Vodka as good as what we produce in the Ukraine.  And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away!" Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle thru it.  All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes out a pack of cigars, takes out one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying, "In Cuba, we have the best cigars in the world!  Nowhere in the world is there so many!  And they are so good and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away!"  Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas thru the window.  Once again, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it...

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.  Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.  There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!  "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies, "Four!"
The accountant says, "I think it's either 3 or 4.  Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?

 

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