Sex Jokes

Page 1

"Tell me a dirty joke, big boy!"

 

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.  At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of," said the elderly lady, "There's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone."

"Really?" asked the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them from mating?"

"It should," replied the vet.  "It stopped me!"

 Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.

"What's the problem?"

"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man.

"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!"

"Damn!  I know that!" the tycoon rejoined.  "But I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home.   He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."  "Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before.  He takes the Viagra and waits.  Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but where's the wife?  She calls him on the phone a little later and says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it.  Do you have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes," the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" suggested the doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis.

After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said politely.  "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack.  The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues.

In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well.  You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad.  We're going to send you home tomorrow.  You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like."

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it!   I'm completely well.  I have no worries with my heart.  Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before!  Wild, mad, passionate sex!  You'll love it!"

Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol.  I've heard about active sex and heart conditions.  I don't want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love.  Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was Okay . . . MAYBE I would have such sex with you."

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office.  His doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem.   I'll write the note.  Let's see, here's my prescription pad: "Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.   Now, I'll just address this...  By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?"

"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern' ?"

One day a man had an automobile accident and was rushed to a hospital.  The doctor had to perform an instant operation, due to the severity of his injuries.  The man was wounded on the face and had to have part of his beard shaven off so the doctor could operate.  Upon shaving off part his bushy beard, the doctor saw a large, ugly scar.  The doctor didn't think too much of it and then hurriedly performed the surgery.

Afterwards, the doctor had to perform more surgery to replace the missing part of the beard, so the ugly scar wouldn't show.  The doctor cut off some of the man's pubic hair and planted it surgically on the man's face where the beard was missing.  The patient awakened and then after 2-3 days, he was discharged and he went back home.

After six months, the patient came to the hospital to talk to the doctor who performed his operation.  The patient said, "Doc, everything is okay, but a peculiar thing has happened to me many times."

The doctor asks, "What's the trouble?"

The patient replies, "Whenever I scratch my beard, my penis gets erect!"

"My god!  What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. 

"I got in a fight with Mr. Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised.  "He must have had something in his hand."

"Aye, that he did," Kelly replied.  "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord!  Didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"

"Aye, that I did," Kelly said.  "But that particular part of Mrs. Riley is not much use in a fight!"

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex, the husband would put his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.  One night, while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashed. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there were handfuls of five and ten dollar bills.  He asks his wife about this.  "Well," she replied, "not everyone is as cheap as you are."
The eighty-eight year old millionaire married an eighteen year old country girl.  He was quite content, but after a few weeks she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get some loving real soon.  He had his chauffeured limousine take him to a high priced specialist who studied him and then gave him a shot of spermatozoa.  "Now look," the doctor said.  "The only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to get it soft again, you say, "Beep, beep!"

"How marvelous," the old man said.

"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said.  "It's only going to work three times before you die."

On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one trying it out. "Beep!" he said.  Immediately he was UP.  Satisfied, he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again.  He chuckled with delight and anticipation.  At that moment, a little yellow Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep."

Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to "speed it up."  He raced into the house as fast as he could for his last great lay. "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask questions.  Just drop your clothes and hope into bed!" Caught up in his excitement, she did.  He undressed nervously and hurried in after her.  Just as he was climbing into bed, he said, "beep," and he was UP!  He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said, "What's all this 'beep beep' shit?"

The new hooker just finished her first trick.  When she came back down to the street , the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.  She said, "Well , he was a big muscular and handsome sailor."

"Well , what did he want you to do?" they all asked.

She said, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much."

"So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either.  Finally I asked him how much he had."

The sailor had told the new hooker that he only had $25.

The new hooker continued with, "Well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand.  He agreed and after getting the finances straight, he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand!"

"Oh my god!" they all exclaimed.  "It must have been huge!!  Then what did you do?"

"I loaned him $75!" she said.

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by chance their seats were right next to the elephant pen.  When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy piped up, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
"No, not that."
"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
"No, Mom.  Down underneath."
His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."
Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda.  As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.
"That's the elephant's trunk, son."
"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is.  The thing at the other end."
"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
"No. Down there."
The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis."
Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair.  The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."  That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband.  He says, "I've never seen anything like that.  Please, tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you.  I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."

The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her.  Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"

So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her.  That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."

Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed!  I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me!"

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?  Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?  $3.99 a minute.

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court.  The judge said, "Look here, Mr. Mouse, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie."

Mickey was stunned. "Why not?"

"I've reviewed all the information you gave to the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the allegation that she is crazy."

"Your Honor," Mickey retorted, "I didn't say she was CRAZY, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

How does Popeye keep his favorite tool from rusting?  He sticks it in Olive Oyl.
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals -- a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist -- were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured that sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire the bed -- with alternating current, of course. The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned. A few days later, each of the groomsmen received the following note:

"Dear Friends, we didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But I swear to God almighty, I'm going to kill whoever put novacaine in the K-Y Jelly!"

A young man was in town looking for a little something from the ladies. A cabdriver gave him an address and told him he could find anything he wanted there.  When the young man arrived, he saw a door with a small panel on it. The panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.  "I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, but this is a private club.  Slide twenty bucks in the slot as an initiation fee," answered the voice.  The man slid $20 in the slot, the panel closed, and ten minutes passed.  Nothing happened.  He began to pound on the door, and the panel slid open.

"Hey," exclaimed the man, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice. "Again?"

What did the banana say to the vibrator?  "Why are YOU shaking?  She is going to eat ME!"
Miss Annabell has just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her Southern Belle friends.  She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.  "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell.  "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."

Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"

"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.

"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"

"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they asked.

"They call them lesbians," replied Miss Annabell.

"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," added Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as they sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison.

Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him 'Precious'!"

Two men and a woman were on a business trip.  On layover in Minnesota, their flights were cancelled.  The three went to a nearby hotel, but found that there was only one room left.  They agreed to go in on the cost of the room together.  One of the men volunteered to sleep on the floor, and the other said he would sleep in the tub, allowing the woman to have the bed to herself.

"Nonsense," said the woman.  "We all paid 1/3 of the bill, we'll share the bed.  Just one thing . . . I would like to sleep in the middle, so that if anyone breaks into the room, you will be on either side to protect me."  The men agreed, and everyone hopped into the bed, to get some rest. The next morning, the two men woke up and began talking.

"You know, last night I had the strangest dream, a beautiful blond was jerking me off!" the first guy said.   The other man said, "You know, that's funny!   I had the same dream, except mine was a brunette!" They decided to ask the woman what she had dreamt about.  She replied, "I had this dream I was in Aspen . . . skiing."

Four women are at a bar, and they decided to have a contest: who could stick the most up their cunt.  The first women said, "Look, I can stick a fist up my cunt!"   And she did so to prove it.  The second women said, "So? I can stick both fists up MY cunt!" And she also went ahead and prved that she could do so.  The third woman didn't say anything, she just started sliding down the bar stool.
Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard.  When it rains, however, the laundry always gets wet.  All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's.  The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.  So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"

"Well," says Sophie.  "When I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul.  If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash.  If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."

"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.

"Honey," says Sophie. "On a day like that, you DON'T do the laundry!"

A married guy was out getting a little "strange stuff" when he suffered a massive heart attack and died.  The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body and asked, "Your late husband died with a tremendous erection that we can't get to go away. What would you like us to do?"

"Somehow, that doesn't surprise me!  Cut it off and stuff it up his ass," she replied.

When she went to view the body she noticed a somewhat pained expression on her deceased husband's face as he lay in the casket.  Bending over the body, she asked softly, "Hurts, doesn't it?"

Bill and Marla had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by. " A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me!  I'd love to be able to do that!  It seems the sort of thing a man should do.  Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability.  I'd be so great!  When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool.  Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!" On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display.  She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was.  And it was...well, good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here?  Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.  The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.  At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.  Very grudgingly he agreed.  He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.  As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.  He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails.  All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.  They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.  They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around.  It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.  At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.  He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.  He ran up the stairs of his apartment.  He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.  There were snails all down the stairs.  The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.  He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and shouted: "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

A guys goes in a bar and orders for a beer.  After a while this really gorgeous woman walks in and sits beside him.  He starts thinking about talking her into bed with him and kindly turns to her and says, "Hi.  Would you like me to buy you a drink?"

The woman turns to him and screams to the top of her lungs: "WHAT?  YOU WANT TO FUCK ME?  NO WAY!"

Every discussion in the bar suddenly stops and all the people are staring at the guy as the woman was leaving.  The guy gets really embarrassed and stands still on his stool as if nothing had happened.  After a while the same woman walks in, approaches him and tells him, "I'm sorry about that little incident but you see I'm a psychology graduate and I wanted to see how people react to embarrassing situations."

The guy then yells: "WHAT?  TWO HUNDRED BUCKS FOR A BLOWJOB?"

A son takes his father to the retirement home.  Grandpa doesn't want to go, but the family insists.  On the first night, Grandpa is settling in when a gorgeous nurse enters and tucks him in.  Grandpa gets a hard-on, she sees it, and she climbs aboard.  The next morning Grandpa calls his son and tells him he's changed his mind.  Now he LIKES the retirement home.  The next night Grandpa is heading for bed when he trips and falls face first on the floor.  A big male orderly sees him, drops his trousers, and sodomises the old man.  The next morning, Grandpa calls his son again and tells him he no longer likes the retirement home.  "But yesterday you told me you loved it there.." says the son.  "Yeah, but you don't understand.  I only get an erection once a month, but I fall down nearly every day!"
A man and his son were walking through a field and saw two dogs mating.   The little boy asked his dad what was happening.  The Father replied, "Well, son, they're making a puppy."  The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went from his bed to get a glass of water.   Not being able to reach the glasses, he walked unannounced into his parents bedroom, who were making love in their usual missionary position.  Confused, the boy asked what were they doing.  The Dad responded very slowly and caringly to his impressionable little boy, "Well, son, we are making you a little brother."  The little boy replied ,"Hurry! Turn Mom over, Dad!   I'd rather have a puppy!"
A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.  The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."  The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as the previous day.  The doctor asked what happened and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.  Then I tried with- my left hand, but still nothing.  Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with her right hand, with nothing.  Then her left, but nothing.  She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.  We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing!"  The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"  The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the damned JAR open!"
One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse.  When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom.  They had been shot to death.  When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.  "No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other.  "This was a double murder and suicide.  This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both.  Then turned the gun on himself."

"You're right," the other deputy replied.  "Double murder and suicide.  But I'll bet you $50.00 that when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'it could have been worse'."

"No way.  How could it be worse?  There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death.  It couldn't be worse. You're on."

About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene.  He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies.  He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side.  "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide.  This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both.  Then he shot himself."  After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes.  "But, you know, it could have been worse."

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse?  There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead.  It couldn't have been worse!"

"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor?  If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"

Two brothers, aged 6 and 8 were playing in the morning.  The 8 year old said to the 6 year old, "I think it's time we learned how to swear.  You say 'ass' and I'll say 'hell'."

When their mother gets up, she asks the 8 year old what he would like for breakfast, to which the kid replies, "Aw, hell, give me some Cheerios."  The mother gets upset, spanks the 8 year old, and sends him to his room.  The mother is still somewhat upset and asks the 6 year old what he'd like for breakfast.  The 6 year old is quite shocked at what has happened but still replies, "I dunno, but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios!"

A farmer is giving his wife last minute instructions before heading to town to do some business.  "That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows.  I've hung a nail by the right stall so you know which one I want him to impregnate."  Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.

That afternoon, the "inseminator" arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.  "There's the nail so this is the cow right here," she tells him.

"What's the nail for?" the guy asks.

Replies the wife, "I guess its to hang up your pants."

A man and a woman made passionate love in the back seat of his car.  In the process they managed to throw all of the clothes and belongings out the window and down a steep cliff.  After the sex, the woman asked for a pack of cigarettes.  The guy said, "But I'm naked and all of my clothes are at the bottom of the cliff with the cigarettes!"   Regardless, she convinced the man to go get the cigarettes and to act like a statue if anyone should come near him.

So the man was getting the two packs of cigarettes when a car of three nuns pulls up.  The man froze like a statue like his lover had suggested.  The first nun came up to the man and pulled on his penis until he dropped a pack of cigarettes then said, "Oh!  A cigarette dispenser!"  Then the second nun came up to the man and pulled on his penis which made his drop the second pack of cigarettes.  The nun said, "Oh!   A cigarette dispenser!"  The last nun came up to the man and pulled on his penis, and pulled, and pulled then she said,  "Ooh!  A soap dispenser!"

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee.  He ran over and stomped it.  "That was a honey bee," his father said.  "One of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without honey for a week."

Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it.  "That was a butterfly," his father said.  "One of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."

The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast.  The boy ate his plain toast - no honey, no butter.  Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove.  His mother stomped it.  The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, or should I?"

A guy sits down at a bar and sees a real beauty of a girl sitting at the other end.  He tells the bartender to get a drink for her.  "Don't bother dude.  She's a lesbian," the bartender replies.  "I don't care!" says the guy.  "Give me the drink then and I'll take it over myself!"   So the guy slides up and sits down next to the lady and asks, "So babe . . . what part of Lesbia are you from?"

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.  They opened the champagne and began undressing.   When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet?  Your toes look all mangled and weird.  Why are your feet so gross?" 

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked. 
"No, tolio.  The disease only affected my toes." 

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing.  When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked.  "They're all lumpy and deformed!" 

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. 
"You mean measles?" she asked. 
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." 

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.  As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.   "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess...Small cox?"

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E-Mail me at: CarlMerritt@compuserve.com