Even More Dirty Jokes!

"Just no more BLONDE jokes, okay?"

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult.  Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed.  The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.  Easter morning finally came.  A knock came on the wife's bedroom door. "KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"

husband: "Guess who?"

wife: "I know who it is!"

husband: "Guess what I want."

wife: "I know what you want!"

husband: "Then guess what I'm knockin' with!"

One day, a man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that.  There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor can. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only cost $10.00."

Jeff figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.  Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.  After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper, which read: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this be fooled. He decided to give it a try.  He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.  He went store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.  The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.  Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.  Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.  Your wife is pregnant... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.  And, if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better."

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California.

Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down.

"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."

"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.

"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "That's really something!"

"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.

"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.

"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.

"That's what I put my balls on for driving," says the driver.

"Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of everything!"

Three men were talking the first men were talking about their sons.

The fist man said, "I am so proud of my son; he is a house builder and he is so good at what he does that he gave a friend of his a house for free."

The second man said, "My son is a multi-line car dealer. I am very proud of him. He is so good at what he does that he gave one of his friends a Mercedes, fully-loaded, for free."

The third man said, "I am very proud of my son; he is a stockbroker and he is so good at what he does that he gave a friend of his a Blue Chip stock portfolio for free."

A fourth man entered the conversation and said, "I am not too proud of my son. He is gay and he dances in a gay bar. He must be really good at what he does, though, because his last three boyfriends gave him a free house, free fully-loaded Mercedes, and a free Blue Chip stock portfolio."

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta help me!"

The doctor says, "What's your problem?"

The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'.. I give the missus a quick one, then go to work. On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work.. Once I get to work I do some work and at morning tea time I go into the photocopy room and have it off with the one of the young office girls. At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good bonking.. For afternoon tea I give the boss's wife a good servicing.. I then go home and slip the maid a few inches.. Then at night I give the missus another screw."

"Well," said the doctor, "what's your problem?"

The guy says, "It hurts like hell when I masturbate!"

Two men are in a doctor's office. Each of them are to get a vasectomy. The nurse comes into the room and tells both men, "Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done."

A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to spank his monkey. Shocked as he was, he asks, "Why are you doing that?"

To which she replies. "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."

The man, not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task. After she is through, she proceeds to the next man. She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him oral sex.

The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets a blow job?"

The nurse replies, "That is the difference between an HMO and Complete Private Coverage."

This old drunk wandered into the Catholic church one evening and, after weaving between the pews for a few minutes, headed for the confessional booth.  The priest sees this and thinks, Poor soul!  He wants to make a confession!   So the old priest goes into his side of the booth and opens the small sliding door.  Right away, the drunk asks the priest, "Hey buddy!  Got any toilet paper in there?"

How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?  There are skid marks in front of the skunk!

Indecent Computer Viruses

CLINTON VIRUS Gives you a 7 inch hard drive with no memory.

VIAGRA VIRUS Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

LEWINSKY VIRUS Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did. Very effective on laptops.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS Only attacks minor files.

PROZAC VIRUS Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the Lewinsky virus) Your whole computer goes down. (but I think "we go on.")

At The Post in Today's Race Are:

1. Passionate Lady

2. Bare Belly

3. Silk Panties

4. Conscience

5. Jockey Shorts

6. Clean Sheets

7. Thighs

8. Big Dick

9. Heavy Bosom

10. Merry Cherry

 

~~And they're off~~

Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.

Heavy Bosom is being pressured.

Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a very dangerous spot.

"Come on, Big Dick!  Go, Go, Go!"

~~At the Halfway Mark~~

It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open, and Big Dick is pressed in.

Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.

Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.

Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

 

~~At The Stretch:~~

 

Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Dick is making a final drive. Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

~~At The Finish~~

It's Big Dick giving everything he's got Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer.

It looks like a dead heat but.....

Big Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head.

...Bare Belly shows.

...Thighs weakens.

...Heavy Bosom pulls up.

...and Clean Sheets never had a chance.

After hours and hours of exhausting sex with a blonde, a man walks into his kitchen to get a drink.  He fills his glass up with milk, when he looks down and realizes that his dick is still really hot. So he sticks his dick in the glass of milk to cool it down.  Just as he does this the blonde walks in and says, "I always wondered how you refilled those things!

Chicken Delight Recipe

1 tender young chicken, 2 legs, 2 breasts, 1 banana, 2 nuts, 1 cherry

Take tender young chick into your arms.  Use hands to knead breasts gently.  Take legs and spread apart.  Drop in banana and stir until hot.  Increase motion until cherry pops, banana creams, and nuts crack.  Let cool.

A boy asked his teacher, "How do recognize a married woman in a group of 3 who are eating ice cream cones?  The first one eats it with a spoon, the second one bites it, and the last one sucks it?"

The teacher said, "Well, I guess it's the one who sucks it."

The boy said, "Teacher please!  It's the one who's wearing a wedding ring."

Mary married Barry and they had sex 5 times a day, 5 days a week for 5 years, then Barry died. Mary buried Barry, then Mary married Gary. They had sex 6 times a day, 6days a week for 6 years, then Gary died. Mary buried Gary and then Mary married Larry. Mary and Larry had sex 7 times a day, 7days a week for 7 years before Larry died. Mary buried Larry, then Mary died.  Mary's sister Sherry and her friend Terry were at the funeral home looking down at Mary when Terry said, "At least they're together again."

"Do you mean Mary and Barry, Mary and Gary, or Mary and Larry?" asked Sherry.

Terry replied, "No, I mean her legs!"

Pub-speak - Part I

No, really, I'm OK to drive = I'm wasted and should have someone bring me home but I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with

I'm not used to these darts = I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed

Lets go out to my car and get some cigarettes = You would look great face down in my lap

You get this one, next round is on me = We won't be here long enough to get another round

I'll get this one, next one is on you = This place has dollar drafts and beers are $4.50 a pop at the next bar

I haven't seen you around here for a long time = You stuck up a**hole, too good for your old friends ?

Hey, where is that friend of yours ? = I have no interest whatsoever in talking to you other than you're a way to get your friend into a compromising position

Lets get out of here = I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy's helmet

Can I get a glass of white zinfindel ? (male) = I'm gay

Can I have a white Russian? (male) = I'm really gay

That person looks really familiar = Did I sleep with her ?

Ever try a body shot ? = I am even willing to do a tequila shot if it means that I get to lick you

I don't feel well, lets go home = I'm horny

Pub-speak - Part II

I've had like 10 beers already = I've only had three, but I need an excuse to behave this way

Who's got the next round ? = I haven't bought a round in almost three years, but I am an expert at diverting attention

I'm getting my life back together = Are you kidding? Would I be in a place like this, rocked off my ass, if I had my act together? I'm a mess. Fear and avoid me like the plague

Excuse Me (male to male) = Get the f*ck out of the way

Excuse Me (male to female) = I am going to grope you now

I'm out of here, I have to work in the morning = I owe that guy who just walked in the door $100 and have been avoiding him since football season

What do you have on tap ? = What's cheap ?

You go ahead, I'll catch a cab = I already lined up a ride home with your ex-girlfriend

Can I just get a glass of water? (male) = It's 9:00 am and I just stopped drinking about 90 minutes ago. Hell, I probably dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, it is the least you can do for me

Do you have any Wild Turkey ? = I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning

I don't have my ID on me = I'm 19

I don't have my ID on me = I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew 0.4 last time I was in here

It's OK, I'll just go home with him. (either male or female) = There is a good chance that my life will end up as the Monday Night shocker on NBC

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.  Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.  He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."   The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir.   I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."   The passenger was unimpressed.  He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"  Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."  With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "FUCK you!"  Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.  The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.  The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.  The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me!  I don't want to go deaf!"  So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.  Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand...

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mable, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"  Mable answered, "I have? A suppository?"  She pulled it out and stared at it.  Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.  Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an heart attack the gentleman had.  When the squad got there is was too late and the man had died.  While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess.  He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.  The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating.  I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."

A guy walks into a drug store looking for condoms.  He finds a box that costs $5.00 and takes it up to the counter.  The clerk rings it up and says, "That'll  be $5.40."   So the man asks what the extra 40 cents is for and the clerk replies, "It's for tax."  Hearing this, the man replies, "Tacks!  Hell, I thought you just rolled them on!"

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.  No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." 

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea.  But I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.  They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.  They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.  Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.  It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean.  We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000.  Please advise."  The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he went to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.  In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.  All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.  At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.  As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position.  The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor.  The doctor asked, "How did it go?"   The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol, my wife pissed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

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E-Mail me at: CarlMerritt@compuserve.com